Introduction

If you’ve been following along, you know that I was diagnosed in February this year with stage 3 rectal cancer. I’ve been writing about it in the hopes that perhaps sharing various aspects of my experience might be helpful to someone else who may be going through something similar, or to someone who has a loved one facing a similar challenge.

I had planned on this post being the one where I talk more in-depth about the mental challenges I have been having since my diagnosis, but the “in-depth” part is proving to be a bit too much of a challenge right now so while I will discuss it, it won’t be in as much detail as I had hoped.

The challenge with writing this post

Even though writing has a therapeutic effect for me, I just could not sit down and write this post when I originally planned to, about 2 weeks or so ago. I initially thought it would be fairly easy–I would just take a lot of the info I had included in my insurance benefits application and use that here. Great idea–in principle. But writing that application really took the good out of me.

I had avoided it for literally weeks. Every time I even thought about it, I’d start to get all panicky about it. Difficulty breathing, tears–the whole shebang. The week that I finally sat down and did it (May 24), I had to try on three different days before I could actually get through it. I cried my way through the whole thing. It stressed me out beyond belief. I was surrounded by a mountain of tissues by the time I sent the email off to them. I kept saying (to myself and out loud to nobody), “If I was able to do this kind of thing, I’d still be at work!”

It wasn’t the kind of thing I could ask someone else to do for me, either. I was the only one with the info, so I was the only one who could do it.

The only way I could get through it was to give myself permission to not do any rereading or editing of the main questions that dealt with the illness and the mental challenges I have been facing. I’m normally big on editing. And given the importance of that kind of document, editing to make sure it includes all the necessary information, it really should have been reviewed and edited. But it took SO much out of me just to write it all out there was no way I could put myself through that again by rereading and trying to make sure it made sense.

I was able to review and deal with the questions that dealt with factual details – dates of doctors’ appointments, names of doctors, reasons for visits, medications, treatments, etc. It was exhausting to gather all that information, but I was able to break it down into smaller chunks and do it question by question. Between my Google calendar and my personal journal, I was able to dig up most of the info they were asking for. Serious shout out to journal keeping, btw. I don’t know how I would have completed that form without mine as a lot of things didn’t go into the calendar and I was in no shape to pull any of those details from my brain.

But the question with the details about the mental stuff? Nope. Could not go back through it. I spewed onto the page (7 pages, in fact) and crossed my fingers when I sent it off. It is what it is.

So to go back into that form and go through that info to see what would fit into a blog post? Yeah…still can’t do it. I know it’s important – the big reason I’m documenting this experience on here is in case it’s helpful to someone else who might be going through this themselves, or who might know and love someone who is experiencing it. I just can’t go there right now.

Instead, I will just give some highlights as to what the problems are that I’ve been experiencing, some of which I might have already mentioned in the previous posts.

Acknowledging the need to step away from work

I for sure talked in the last post about how I was off work the first week after I found out about the diagnosis. The food thing was the biggest challenge that week. Or rather, it was the biggest symptom of the challenges I was going through. By the end of that first week, my plan was to continue working for sure at least up to the time when treatments started, perhaps longer depending on what those treatments were going to be and how my body reacted to them. I was happy to be returning to work the following week.

Over the next three weeks, though, it became very clear to me that my brain was not on the same page as I was. I was having a lot of difficulty concentrating on what I was doing. I couldn’t understand a lot of what I was reading. I often found myself sitting in front of the computer reading the same paragraph multiple times and not having a clue what it was really saying.

That has happened before – probably to all of us. Every now and then you have a day where things just aren’t clicking. But every day had become that. I couldn’t understand things. I wasn’t coherent in my thoughts or how to organize myself to get things done. If there was one word people I work with would use to describe it, it’s organized.

We use Teams at work and when you are logged on and available, there is a little green dot by your avatar. By mid-way through the third week, I finally clued in to the fact that I was barely more than a green dot. I was logged in. I was sitting at my desk. But I wasn’t doing much. I was definitely not earning my paycheque.

My brain wasn’t working the way I was used to – it wouldn’t do what I wanted it to and, more and more as I got into this, I was finding that I couldn’t find a reason why that mattered. At that point, I still thought I was likely stage 4 cancer and incurable. Reading 100-page business intelligence analysis reports and making recommendations as to next steps to take for our work was quite low on my “why should I care” list. I knew intellectually that it was important, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.

I was also less and less in control of my emotions. I could feel totally fine for a few hours and then something small would happen and I would be in tears. If I didn’t have a meeting scheduled, that was OK–or at least OK enough as I could hide it and it didn’t impact anybody else. But I couldn’t guarantee it wouldn’t happen in meetings over and over again. In fact, I could guarantee the opposite because it had happened.

It was really hard the day that I realized the old work me wasn’t me anymore. My brain wasn’t able to perform the way I was used to and my emotions were out of control. I had been trying to deny it and that just added more strain. I knew I had to step back–that would be my last week at work for a while.

Once I had acknowledged that need and went with it, I felt so much lighter. There was so much about my life that I had no control over anymore. The only thing I had control of to take off my plate and make things more manageable for me was work. Doing that made a world of difference.

I need to add here that I have a VERY supportive group of people I work with. My manager has been wonderfully supportive, as have my colleagues. I am truly blessed in that regard! There was no pressure put on me by anyone else. I knew myself that I wasn’t able to continue as I had been and that I needed to stop working–not just because of the impact to my work, but also the impact to myself.

Where things are now

My brain still doesn’t function the same as it used to. I’ve always been the person who gets things done and helps other people get things done. At work, I’m organized out the wazoo. I’m hoping it will come back once I’m through all this. I’m operating on the assumption that it will. It will break my heart if it doesn’t. But that’s a worry for a different day.

I know that the reasons my brain is struggling are totally legitimate and I try to give myself some grace in that–to not put unrealistic expectations on it or myself. (Yes…it’s weird to talk as though my brain and I are separate, but sometimes it feels that way.)

I still struggle with the thought of, “Why are so many other people able to function so normally through cancer diagnosis and treatment and I’m not?” I know that is an unfair question to ask, but it’s the reality of the situation. I usually shoo it away, ban it to some dark box or cabinet if I’m not able to completely sweep it out. Invariably it creeps in again every now and then, only to be shooed away as quickly as I recognize it for what it is.

What am I doing about it all? That, I think, will need to be another post entirely. This one has gone on long enough and both you and I have other things to do! So stay tuned for the next one, which, I think, will be much easier and more pleasant to write about.

Be kind to yourself

I am sorry I am not going as deeply into things as I had originally planned. As I say, I’m just not there. Maybe this will be of some help, though, to someone somewhere along the line!

The main take-away is this: Whatever your challenge (be it health or otherwise), however you feel is how you feel. Give yourself some grace and kindness. Do what you need to help yourself through it–don’t passively give in to it all–but give yourself grace. We all have challenges and we all have different strengths and skillsets to deal with them. As such, we will all face and deal with them differently. Don’t give the unkind voices the space in your head that they want. They are not deserving of that space and you, my friend, are not deserving of the unkindness. Shoo them away every time they appear.

Till next time…

Resources

Below are some resources on the topics mentioned above that might be helpful to you or someone you love. There are many more available. Please also consider searching resources that are closer to you and specific to your individual needs. The important thing is that you know you don’t have to struggle alone – there is help.

• Coping with changes – Canadian Cancer Society
• Cancer and Mental Health – Mental Health America
• How you can help someone with cancer | Canadian Cancer Society
• How to talk to someone with cancer | Canadian Cancer Society
• When your adult child has cancer | Canadian Cancer Society  (this is the closest thing they had for dealing with cancer in a loved one… )
• CancerConnection.ca
• CancerConnection.ca – Online Community | Community Service Locator

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