As I mentioned several times in my previous cancer-journey posts, I have had some big mental struggles since my diagnosis in February 2024. It’s been a serious head trip, to say the least. However, I’m not going to talk specifically about those challenges in this post as I’ve talked about some of them in other posts – feel free to check them out here: Cancer journey.

What I want to focus on today are the strategies I use to help me deal with those struggles. This is long, so buckle up!

Caveat: I’m not an expert

Before I do, I need to state that this post is based on my own personal experience. It is not medical advice or expert advice in any way, shape or form. If you are struggling with mental health challenges of any sort it is really important that you talk to someone in a professional capacity to help guide you towards the things that might help you.

Have a strategies tool box at the ready

I have had issues with depression and anxiety in varying degrees pretty much throughout my life. I didn’t always know that was the case – I just thought that was the way everybody felt. In my early 30s I learned I had depression and in my 40s I learned I had anxiety.

Over the years, I have talked to therapists and counsellors and read books to supplement what I learned from those sessions.

All of that allowed me to develop a tool box of strategies that I can dip into when I feel myself slipping towards depression or a bout of anxiety coming on.

Recognize the signs

The very first thing that was helpful was simply being able to recognize the potential mental damage that this could do to me. I was diagnosed on a Friday and I was in bed almost all day that Saturday and Sunday. I was in a spin and I spent a lot of time crying.

Somewhere in there, I had a little chat with myself because I knew there was a very real danger of slipping into a very deep depression. Having had experience with that in the past, I knew I did not want to go there again. On top of that, I knew that being in a depression would not at all be helpful in dealing with the cancer. Depression doesn’t want to deal with anything, so it had to go.

I told myself that I could have the two days to be sad and grieve – to feel all the feels and so on – but then I had to pull it together and start to figure out the next steps.

That wouldn’t have been possible had I not had my previous experiences and been able to recognize the signs of depression and know the possible dangers associated with it.

Balance feeling the feels with not slipping into depression

At the same time, I also knew that it’s also dangerous to ignore what you are feeling.

I found myself placed in a very serious situation – a completely and totally life-altering (and potentially life-ending) situation. Of course I was going to have big feelings! It’s natural. As such, it’s important not to ignore those feelings and try to pretend they aren’t there. When we do that, they will still eventually come to the surface and usually in ways that we have no control over.

Right from the get-go, then, I decided that I needed to be sure to allow myself time occasionally to have days where I can be sad and afraid and whatever else it was that I would feel as going through this whole journey.

When I feel the strong emotions coming up, I give myself permission to give in to them – usually just for a few hours and sometimes for a day. It’s like a pressure valve that you need to open up every now and then to keep things at a healthy level.

I have found it really helpful, both in allowing myself the opportunity to feel and express those emotions, and in having the limitation put on it to keep it at a healthy level.

Call out the little monster’s messages

A third tool that I pulled out is recognizing the negative messaging in my brain for what it is – untrue and based in brain chemicals, not reality. I attribute that messaging to a fictional little cartoon monster living in my head.

One common message I have had is that I shouldn’t be having these struggles mentally. Early on, I had thought a lot about all the people I’ve known over the years who have dealt with cancer or other huge health issues to see what I could pull from their experiences that might help me.

Unfortunately, as I went through the ol’ mental Rolodex, I realized that not one of them had ever talked about their mental struggles with it. They would talk about some of the physical stuff, but not the mental. Instead of helping me, it left me feeling even worse. If nobody else had any mental struggles with this, why did I?

Of course, the little monster loved that train of thought. He fed off of that for quite a while and even now still occasionally has the brash nerve to pop his head up to try to convince me that I am somehow less-than because I have been struggling so much with this.

But because of my previous experiences, I was able to recognize the voice of that little monster and his messaging. In doing that, I was (and am) able to counter those messages. When I recognize them, I apply logic to them. I look for the proof.

For the message about me somehow being “less than” because it seemed that nobody else had the mental struggles that I had, I did research on cancer and mental health. You won’t be surprised to learn that there is loads of information supporting the fact that mental health issues (in varying degrees) are very common for people diagnosed with cancer.

That proof quashed the little monster’s voice. What I’m feeling is normal. The reality is that people probably just don’t feel comfortable sharing those struggles.

He still pops up every now and then, but I apply the same technique of looking for the proof and off he runs back to his little corner somewhere.

Talk about it

Both cancer and mental health challenges are still a little bit in the closet. They are often still treated like a dirty little secret. Many people are still immediately uncomfortable when they hear someone talk about either of them. Combine the two together and it’s a real mess.

That’s one reason why I have been vocal about it. As mentioned above, part of my mental health struggle was feeling isolated in having mental struggles with this. I talk about it in part to make sure that if someone else has to go through this, they will have at least one person they know who has struggled mentally with this and hopefully they won’t feel alone in that regard.

Another reason why I talk about it so openly is to hopefully reduce the awkwardness around talking about it. People shouldn’t feel uncomfortable because someone has cancer or mental health struggles. One day, I’d like it to be as easy to talk about as the flu, a broken finger or any number of other things that are totally easy to about.

Also, on a selfish level, I talk about it because I need to, for myself. I need to be able to talk about what I’m dealing with, how I’m feeling, and so on. It’s not healthy to keep all this big stuff in and to yourself.

Figure out who you can talk to about it

Part of talking about it means figuring out who I can talk to frankly about it and who I can’t. There are some people with whom I can go to the potentially dark places with, making jokes and what-not, but most people aren’t able to handle that so I don’t go there with them.

Only a few people know, for example, that I’ve already had photos taken for my obituary and memorial service. Early in the summer, I figured that since I might lose my hair, I should get the photos done before chemo started. For me, it was simply a practical decision. It was no different than making sure my will was updated and getting the health and financial powers of attorney done. For others, though, it’s “morbid” and they don’t want to go there.

You will likely find the same thing. It’s OK that not everybody will be on the list of folks you can talk to. That’s not about you – it’s about them. So don’t take that on for yourself. Identify and talk to the ones you can talk to.

If you don’t have anyone in your personal circle you can really talk to, there are support groups that you can join – online and in-person. Check out cancerconnection.ca for some information about that.

Set boundaries

Early on, I set my boundaries with people. I explained that my approach isn’t to keep everything positive. This is not a bluebirds and rainbows situation. My approach has been one of practicalities, with what I call a realistic positivism.

I hope this works out to be the best-case scenario. And at the same time, I know that it might be the worst-case scenario. Pretending that it could only have a positive outcome isn’t helpful to me. I have to acknowledge the potential negatives of this because there are practical things that need to be dealt with. It also doesn’t work for me mentally to pretend that everything is bluebirds and rainbows. In my conversations with the nurses and doctors, I tell them I want the good, the bad and the ugly. That way I can set realistic expectations and be better prepared to handle what comes.

I let people know this right out the gate. I even told them if they don’t know what to say, they can just say, “This really sucks. I’m sorry you have to go through it.” That’s all. No grand, eloquent philosophical statements. Just reality cuz it does suck and I do have to go through it.

I also did some research and provided them with links to info that might help them because even though I’m the one with cancer, it’s also tough for people who have a friend or family member with cancer. I wanted to make it as easy as possible for them to get info they might need on their own journey with this.

At the same time, I was clear that I wasn’t going to be able to hand-hold them the whole way. I need to focus on my own health and needs. I try to be respectful of where they are and what they might be going through with this, but ultimately it’s not my responsibility to help them through it. My focus has to be on me right now.

Make communicating updates easy on yourself

Within the first week after being diagnosed, I set up a couple of email distribution lists and that’s how I keep everybody up to date on the different stages and what’s going on with me at any given time. That way I don’t have to repeat myself a million times by telling everybody the same thing on an individual basis.

That has helped tremendously! And the feedback has been really positive. I’ve not held much back about symptoms (even the icky ones, and with rectal cancer, there are definitely ICKY symptoms and treatment side effects!) so everybody really knows what’s going on. So many people have told me how much they appreciate the details I have provided. They have learned so much because of what I’ve shared.

Setting your own boundaries and using email distribution lists might be really helpful for you, too. Don’t be shy about sharing.

NOTE: I did give people the option to opt out of the updates if they weren’t able to handle the details I provided.

Have things to do to keep occupied

I have a bunch of different crafting hobbies that help keep me sane. I’ve been off work since March 15 and being able to dip in and out of my crafting, according to how I feel at any given time, has been really helpful for me.

Mostly I make cards – greeting cards. But when I was going through radiation (28 fractions over about 7 weeks), I started making little folders for people to put their radiation appointment schedules in. They are printed on regular printer paper and if you are only having a small few radiation treatments, they’d be fine. But I knew that pulling mine in and out of my purse every weekday for several weeks was going to put some serious wear and tear (literally) on it, so I used some of my supplies to make a little folder for myself.

It worked such a treat that I thought other people might appreciate having a folder for theirs so I started making them for other people, too! Even though I finished radiation at the end of May, I continue to make them and bring them in. I’ve run into several people who have used them and they have really loved them. The folks at the reception desk always rave about them when I bring new ones in. When people see me with a bunch of them I frequently get, “Are you the lady who makes those? They are great! Thank you so much!”

In addition, making those folders is not just helpful in the “keep busy” sense, but also because I’m doing something for someone else. A bunch of someone elses, in fact! Whenever we do things for other people, whatever kind of service it is, it automatically helps us, too! You get out of your own head for a while and feel good about what you are doing. Win win!

Get out in nature

I have a few favourite spots that I really enjoy in the city. I make it a habit to go there fairly regularly. Even if the weather isn’t great or conducive to my specific chemo side effects, I still go there, even if all I can do is sit in the car with the window open. The sound of the wind in the trees, looking out over the water… it’s an amazing kind of therapy!

The main picture in this post is of Hog’s Back Falls in the middle of Ottawa. It’s a beautiful place to go. Anywhere with water is my happy spot. 🙂

Look for the positives

I started decades ago to develop the habit of consciously looking for the positive in things – the silver linings, if you will. This is another skill that has really helped me these last several months.

One of the most positive things I have found is that I have developed a much better understanding of what other people must go through during a cancer journey. I feel I have much more empathy for people now. I am SO grateful for that.

I have also gained an understanding of the importance of private donations to different medical institutions. That may seem like a small thing, but walking into a beautiful building that doesn’t feel at all like it’s a place for really sick people has such a huge positive impact on your overall wellbeing. That is due in large part to all the private donations people have made.

I would be remiss to not mention my gratitude for the people in my life. I have been brought to tears multiple times with gratitude for them. I am floored on a regular basis by how much support I have.

These are just a few examples of things I am grateful for in this cancer journey. I could list everything I am grateful for, but that would probably be a book, not a blog post!

Develop an attitude of gratitude

I’m also grateful, weird as it may sound, to be grateful. I have known several people over the course of my life who live in negativity. They don’t appear to even know how to look for good things in their lives. I can’t imagine going through something like this with a huge cloud like that hanging over me. Developing an “attitude of gratitude” early in my life has been such a blessing and help in so many parts of my life, including this particular challenge.

If you find that your brain tends to lean to the negative, you might want to start practicing to look for the good every day. You could keep a gratitude journal, for example. Start small – list 3 things each day that were positive. You can gradually expand the list to include more things or to include a statement or two about why they stuck out to you as positive that day.

That said, it can be hard to get your brain to start looking for things to be grateful for. Especially if you’ve spent your life focusing on more negative things – the things you don’t have rather than the things you do have. It probably will be a bit of a challenge.

But I promise you that the more you make a conscious effort to look for positive things, the more you will find. Eventually it will become more automatic. On top of that, once you get there, living in a positive headspace is much more pleasant than living in a negative one.

However, the purpose isn’t to deny that there are negative things going on in your life. The purpose, for me at least, is to provide some balance for the negative stuff.

My cancer and its treatments, drugs, side effects, etc. etc. etc., have been awful. When one of my radiation doctors asked if the skin had started yet to slough off of my derriere (from the radiation burns)…well, I knew I wasn’t in Kansas anymore.

There’ve been pain, tears, crazy draining fatigue, and much more that would go in the negative column. And it’s not over yet. But because I have a whole list of things in the positive column, I can deal with the negatives and even say I have had many moments of joy along the way, too.

A faith-based approach

Finally, a huge help to me has been my faith. I know that’s not everybody’s bag, and I totally respect that. For me, though, it has been very helpful. It has been the thing that has grounded me right from the start. Prayer (or meditation, if you prefer) is where I find strength and inspiration.

It’s also the place I can totally let go and express all of my fears, concerns, etc. without any fear of judgment or someone saying, “Just stay positive” because they don’t know what else to say or maybe they genuinely think it’s actually possible to stay positive all the time.

Obviously loads of people go through serious health concerns without having a basis in faith of any kind so I’m not saying it’s necessary in general. I’m just saying that, for me it has been a critical part of being able to go through this journey with the perspective I have had.

As I mentioned, it grounds me. There are times that my brain wants to go in a million different directions of possibilities of where this cancer can take me. And, being an anxiety brain, those directions are generally negative. Being grounded in my faith takes me out of that cycle and brings calm and peace. That alone means the world to me.

Find what works for you

If you used to be involved in a religious community, haven’t been involved for a while and think you might find it helpful in your cancer journey, it might be a good time to go back to that community. Alternatively, you might be interested in checking out other faith communities to see what might meet your needs at this stage in your life.

If you aren’t a faith-based person, you might find some help through the scary moments by looking into different meditation techniques. There are all kinds of meditations out there. You will likely find one that fits you and your life. I have an app on my tablet that I absolutely love. Unfortunately, it’s no longer available or I’d definitely recommend it.

The app I have has several different meditations included. Some are a series of meditations (7-day programs) and some are stand-alone sessions on different topics like stress, sleep, etc. They also are for different lengths of time, ranging from 7 minutes to 30 minutes. I imagine you would be able to find something similar that will work for you.

Therapy and counselling are also options where you can learn techniques to help you through this, and other, challenging periods in your life.

Conclusion

While these are all things that have been helping me as I move through my experience with cancer, it is important to remember that all of our journeys, through cancer and through life, are individual and different. What has worked for me might not work for you and vice versa.

Maybe one of these ideas will resonate with you or simply give you a place to start as you build your own toolbox.

Also, if you have other suggestions that you have found helpful, please share them in the comments below!

Resources

Here are some resources that are also applicable to this post:

• Coping with changes – Canadian Cancer Society
• Cancer and Mental Health – Mental Health America
• How you can help someone with cancer | Canadian Cancer Society
• How to talk to someone with cancer | Canadian Cancer Society
• When your adult child has cancer | Canadian Cancer Society  (this is the closest thing they had for dealing with cancer in a loved one… )
• CancerConnection.ca
• CancerConnection.ca – Online Community | Community Service Locator
• Get to know us

---

If you enjoyed this post and would like to read more, don’t forget to follow!